"PHILOSOPHY FOOTBALL" THE MONTY PYTHON (1972)

International Philosophy

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The cast:

                                                Football Commentator 
                                                                   Michael Palin

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The sketch:

Aerial view of München Olympic stadium.

     Football Commentator 
          Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, München... 
     CAPTION:

          INTERNATIONALE PHILOSOPHIE [International Philosophy] 
          Rückspiel [Return match] 
     Football Commentator 
          ...for the second leg of this exciting final. [German philosophers jog out of the dressing room.] And here come the Germans now, led by their 
          skipper, "Nobby" Hegel. They must surely start favourites this afternoon; they've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team 
          problems. And let's now see their line-up. 
     CAPTION:

          DEUTSCHLAND [Germany] 
          1 LEIBNITZ 
          2 I. KANT 
          3 HEGEL 
          4 SCHOPENHAUER 
          5 SCHELLING 
          6 BECKENBAUER 
          7 JASPERS 
          8 SCHLEGEL 
          9 WITTGENSTEIN 
          10 NIETZSCHE 
          11 HEIDEGGER

High shot of Germans jogging onto pitch.

     Football Commentator 
          The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and 
          Heidegger, and the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there.

Greek philosophers, all in togas, jog from the dressing room.

     Football Commentator 
          And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half, Heraclitus. 
     CAPTION:

          GRIECHENLAND [Greece] 
          1 PLATO 
          2 EPIKTET 
          3 ARISTOTELES 
          4 SOPHOKLES 
          5 EMPEDOKLES VON ACRAGA 
          6 PLOTIN 
          7 EPIKUR 
          8 HERAKLIT 
          9 DEMOKRIT 
          10 SOKRATES 
          11 ARCHIMEDES

High shot of Greeks jogging onto pitch, kicking balls about etc.

     Football Commentator 
          Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive line-up. Plato's in goal, Socrates a front- runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper, 
          Aristotle very much the man in form. One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

An oriental referee, holding a large sandglass, walks down the centre line, flanked by two linesmen with haloes.

     Football Commentator 
          Well here comes the referee, K'ung fu-tsze (Confucius), and his two linesmen, St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas. [Referee spots the ball and the 
          captains shake hands.] And as the two skippers come together to shake hands, we're ready for the start of this very exciting final. The referee Mr 
          Confucius checks his sand and... [referee blows his whistle] they're off! [The Germans immediately turn away from the ball, hands on chins in 
          deep contemplation.] Nietzsche and Hegel there. Karl Jaspers number seven on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him. There's Beckenbauer. 
          Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering. Schopenhauer. [Pan to the other end, the Greeks also thinking deeply, occasionally gesticulating.] And 
          now it's the Greeks, Epicurus, Plotinus number six. Aristotle. Empedocles of Acragus and Democratus with him. There's Archimedes. Socrates, there 
          he is, Socrates. Socrates there, going through. [The camera follows Socrates past the ball, still on the centre spot.] There's the ball! There's the 
          ball. And Nietzsche there. Nietzsche, number ten in this German side. 
     CAPTION:

          DEUTSCHLAND - GRIECHENLAND 
          0 : 0 
     Football Commentator 
          Kant moving up on the outside. Schlegel's on the left, the Germans moving very well in these opening moments.